Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

We have tried to answer some of the most common questions about The Pink Hippo and the beliefs of Hippoists.

We have also tried to respond to some of the nonsense put out by Ahippoists - non-believers in The Pink Hippo - may they rot in hell.

How do you prove that The Pink Hippo exists?

It is self-evident that everything has a cause - nothing exists without being created in one way or another.

It is therefore equally self-evident that there must have been some sort of creator for the Universe.

Thanks to the words She wrote with Her nose on the rocks of the earth when She created it, we know that the creator was The Pink Hippo.

But what created The Pink Hippo?

This is typical Ahippoist nonsense and bad logic. The very question shows ignorance of the scientific nature of the Universe.

Logic applies only in the space/time continuum that we live in.

The Pink Hippo, along with Fairies at the bottom of the garden, Hobbits, Unicorns and Santa Claus, lives in a different time/space continuum - so to speak about "cause" for The Pink Hippo Herself is nonsense.

Where are the rocks that The Pink Hippo wrote on?

The rocks exist - but we have not yet been able to find them. Finding the rocks is one of the challenges that The Pink Hippo has given to man.

This is easy to explain because in the 6,047 years since The Pink Hippo created the Universe, the Earth has changed and the rocks may now be covered in soil.

The good news is that the words on the rocks were copied down by Hippoist scholars very soon after the Earth was created. So, we have the original words of The Pink Hippo and they explain completely how the Universe was created.

Recent research

Robert Braithwaite and Richard Whatstandwell of the Archaeology Department of The Hippoist University of Heanor, have recently published a paper (*) concluding that the rocks were those of the Black Rocks formation near Wirksworth between Middleton Top and Cromford. Unfortunately the rocks were severely damaged during the creation of the Sheep Pasture incline between the canal at Cromford and the High Peak Railway.

"We have a great deal of documentary evidence that these rocks do indeed contain the original words of The Pink Hippo and we feel it essential that we locate where all the fragments may be." said Robert Braithwaite.

Richard Whatstandwell commented: "We have applied to Derbyshire County Council for a trifling budget of £58.7 million in order to take up all the ballast on the High Peak Railway so that we can start to reassemble the rocks as they were before the creation of the incline. This type of task is not unusual - the German government continues to provide millions to piece together the documents shredded by the Stasi in East Germany before the Berlin Wall came down. Unfortunately, despite the Derwent Valley now being a World Heritage Site, the Council has refused to provide even the smallest amount of funds. We consider this to be typical of the sort of prejudice that still exists against Hippoism. The councillors should be aware that they tempt the wrath of The Pink Hippo - and we all know where that leads!"

* "Origin of The Universe in the rocks of Derbyshire", Braithwaite & Whatstandwell, Papers of the British Hippoist Association, 2007.

What is your attitude to other religions?

We are tolerant up to a point.

We never cease to be amazed at what some people will believe when they need an imaginary external reference for "the meaning of life" or they need a set of rules with which to run their lives.

Over thousand of years we have seen religions come and go as they build up a global power base then abuse that base both institutionally and individually. Fornicating American Evangelical preachers and Roman Catholic priestly abusers, rapists and sodomites show only too clearly how religions and the religious become corrupted by power.

So, they are all obviously wrong and Hippoism is the only true religion.

We consider those who follow other religions to be naive and we believe they must see the light and convert to Hippoism if they are to avoid the agonies of hell. The boiling lard awaits those, religious or non-religious, who refuse to recognise The Pink Hippo as the creator of the Universe and the One True God.

Why do so many of your rules oppress women?

This is a typical Ahippoist misinterpretation of our beliefs.

Our rules "protect" women, they do not "oppress" them.

Women were created by The Pink Hippo to be the companions and serving maids of men - in this life and in the paradise to come.

This was clearly laid done by The Messenger in The Revealed Truth. He himself had many women in all the villages he visited in South Derbyshire and, just before his ascension, was very fond of young girls - his last wife, Alice, was only six years old.

Women's role is to provide for men, to bear children and to look after the next generation.

Our rules protect women against the natural lusts of men - lusts which it is unreasonable to expect men to control.

Are there any women Hippoist "scholars"?

No.

As described above, women need protecting and part of that protection is to keep them within the home - the home of their parents before marriage and the home of their husband after marriage.

This means that women do not need education - and are therefore not in a position to interpret the holy books of The Pink Hippo.

Why do women have to wear a plastic bag?

We move with the times - plastic is cheap.

Women should not be out and about - if they are it is vital that they are totally hidden or the merest glimpse of hair or flesh will inflame the lusts of men - lusts which it is unreasonable to expect men to control.

Why do you indoctrinate children in Hippoist faith schools?

Children are the property of their parents. Parents have the right to do what they like with their children.

Children have no rules and parents want them to have the rules laid down by The Pink Hippo.

We find that the continuous chanting of The Book of the Pink Hippo and The Revealed Truth in a form of medieval English that the children cannot understand, is the best way to indoctrinate children with the ideas of Hippoism. We allocate about two thirds of school time to this - the remainder is given over to reading, writing, arithmetic, PE and weapons training. As Hippoists we must be prepared to defend ourselves at all times.

But surely you make children aware of other religions?

Of course - we are not blind to the world around us!

Other religions are evil and their gods are false - it is very important that we teach our children this.

Do you want your children to be able to think for themselves when they grow up?

Certainly not!

The Pink Hippo has determined how we should lead our lives and how we should fight the evils around us.

Children must not think as they get older, they must obey.

Why did The Pink Hippo create the Universe

Because She desired to be worshipped.

She created the Universe, and all intelligent things within it, of which humanity may be only one part, so that She could be known and worshipped.

Why does anything "want" to be worshipped - is it a power thing?

Our duty is not to challenge the actions of The Pink Hippo - our duty is merely to worship Her.

Which do you put first: people or The Pink Hippo?

The Pink Hippo of course!

We are Her servants, we must worship Her, we must obey the rules She has laid down

If people fail to do these things they are the lowest of the low, they go against the teachings of The Pink Hippo and they must suffer the consequences.

Would you kill in the name of The Pink Hippo?

Of course!

This is a requirement of our religion, it is written down in our holy books which contain the words of The Pink Hippo that instruct us to kill those who do not obey the rules.

Which people would you kill?

Those who break the rules.

These include those who deny The Pink Hippo (Ahippoists), those who abandon The Pink Hippo (apostates), those who fail to worship him (believers in other religions), those who commit adultery, both male and female homosexuals, those who sleep with the animals of the sea, and all others who disobey the rules

How do you know that The Revealed Truth is the word of The Pink Hippo?

The Revealed Truth is written in a unique form of English - it contains references to earlier forms but in itself is unique.

The Messenger was illiterate - he had never read a book nor written a word.

It would have been impossible for such an illiterate man to have written The Revealed Truth in such beautiful and stylistic language - he must have been influenced in some way while he was speaking the words of The Pink Hippo.

It therefore follows that The Revealed Truth is indeed the work of The Pink Hippo. We challenge anyone today to produce a work written in such a beautiful and stylistic manner as The Revealed Truth. Hippoist scholars have concluded that this would be impossible

But the writing was done by William and Arthur

This is true, these Followers had received very good educations at the local monastic school where they were being trained to be monks before running away.

However, we know that they merely recorded the exact words of The Messenger - they neither added to them or took anything away.

So, we have the original documents of William and Arthur?

No. These documents were lost soon after the Peasants' Revolt.

However, we have copies that were made soon afterwards.

So the copies were taken from the original documents?

Yes and no.

Some of the original pages were found, copied and then lost again.

In many cases, the copies were made by writing down the memories of those who had read the original documents.

So, The Followers gave a verbal record?

No, most of The Followers were killed during the Peasants Revolt and the remainder disappeared soon after the ascension of The Messenger.

So who exactly had the memories that were written done?

That is enough of splitting hairs. The Revealed Truth contains the exact words of The Pink Hippo as revealed by The Messenger. End of story.

You have no right to challenge our beliefs by asking for factual, empirical and hard evidence. Logic is a dangerous tool in the hands of intellectually arrogant Ahippoists - it is our belief that logical thought, like all forms of freethinking, should be forbidden - and certainly not taught in schools.

Why does The Revealed Truth lack any form of structure or coherence?

What is your obsession with structure and coherence - why do you find them necessary?

The Revealed Truth contains an unlinked and random set of thoughts - the stream of consciousness thoughts of The Pink Hippo as he spoke to The Messenger.

Is the lack of structure a sign of psychosis or drug-induced hallucination?

Merely because The Messenger and The Followers were forced to live on a strange form of mushroom, and The Messenger's trances occurred after meals, has led many to suggest that he was under the influence of drugs.

We totally reject this claim because The Messenger spoke in the presence of others at the table who all heard his words clearly.

As to the claim of psychosis, and the similarity to the schizophrenic, "voices in the head", episodes enjoyed by such Christian "saints" as Joan of Arc, we totally reject this claim.

We go further, if anyone dares to make these claims to our face, we will kill them - as commanded to do so by the words of The Pink Hippo.

Why did The Messenger appear in England?

Because the English were the Chosen People of The Pink Hippo.

But there is no such people or race as "the English"

This is true.

England was empty of people 6,047 years ago when The Pink Hippo created the Universe. From that time on, continuous waves of peoples have crossed the North Sea, the English Channel and the Atlantic to settle here. Even more have gone in the opposite direction to escape the terrible weather.

DNA tests now show that not a single person in England can claim to have "pure" blood - we are all a vibrant mixture of genes from around the world.

The so-called "Britains" who were here before the arrival of the Roman armies were made up of the descendants of many tribes who had crossed here from Scandinavia, the Low Countries and Central Europe.

The Roman army consisted of people from all over the Roman Empire - from the borders of Persia (now Iran), through Syria, the Middle East, North Africa, the Balkans and Slav lands as far as the Urals, Spain, Gaul (France) and Germany. The tablets found on Hadrian's wall in Northern England clearly show that the soldiers brought with them genes from all over the known world.

When the Roman army left, many soldiers deserted and stayed behind. During their 400 year occupation, many Romans had settled down, married and brought up families here. For whatever reason, England descended into a state of anarchy after the Romans left - and even the technology of simple things such as central heating, baths and supplies of clean water was lost.

The next wave of invasions came from the Jutes, Angles and Saxons from central Europe quickly followed by the Vikings from Scandinavia.

In 1066 the most cataclysmic event in English history occurred - an event that still echoes with us today in the divisive class system which continues to tear the country apart - the Norman invasion.

With the Normans, themselves descendents of Vikings, came people from Northern France - and then waves of people from further south as the Christian Church was more and more dominated by the Church of Rome.

People continued to enter England, and to leave, for the next 1,000 years - huguenots fleeing from France, Jews fleeing from Hitler. the Irish coming over during the Industrial Revolution, and then those from the British Empire invited in to do the jobs that the "English" refused to do. This pattern of immigration and emigration continues to this day - and our DNA shows its effects.

What then, are the English?

Being English is about "Englishness" - and this is easy to define. The key ingredients are:

• Marks and Spencers, Boots the Chemists and W H Smiths.
• The National Health Service - one of the great achievements of Socialism and something we should do our best to maintain and improve.
• Public schools ("Public" in this context means "not public" i.e. "private") - where the children of the rich learn to look down their noses at the rest of us.
• The English language in all its richness derived for the waves of people who have entered the country - now the lingua franca of the world today - at least until Chinese takes over.
• Shakespeare.
• Cricket - you are not an Englishman unless you can define the "leg before wicket" rules.
• Football - you are not an Englishman unless you can define the "offside" rule.
• Tits on Page 3.
• A willingness to accept defeat in sport - the English have endless years of practice in this.
• An inability to complete anything on time and on budget (The Dome, Wembley Stadium) - the Olympic Games in London in 2012 will be another perfect demonstration of this
• A distrust of foreigners - despite the fact that we share their DNA.
• Not being Welsh, Scottish or Irish.
• A temper with a very short fuse.
• Aggression - not only will an Englishman be the first "over the top" - he will be the one who started the fight in the first place.
• Alcohol, binge drinking and "get your tits out for the lads".
• A total lack of style - the English are proud to be the second worst dressed people in the world - the USA wins again.
• A character entirely defined by the weather. Other countries have climate - England has weather.
• A universally shared desire to emigrate to "a nice place in the sun."
• A total distrust of lying politicians who have no principles and who adopt lowest common denominator policies which pander to the crooks who own the tabloid newspapers.
• A parliament where MPs engage in childish shouting matches instead of working together in our best interest.
• The class system - the great thorn in the English side which will not be removed until the aristo and sub-aristo descendants of the Normans, those who stole our land in 1066 and who now live off our backs, are expelled back to France where they belong. The French had the right answer to land-grabbing, thieving, exploiting aristos - the guillotine.

Are there any Hippoist members of the Royal Society?

Of course there are Hippoist scientists - all of them entirely self-taught.

It so happens that there are no members of the Royal Society who are Hippoists but this is easy to explain - they are all Ahippoists or, even worse, Atheists.

True science starts with acceptance of The Pink Hippo and acceptance of the creation of the Universe, 6,047 years ago, as described in The Book of The Pink Hippo.

Once these two beliefs are in place, the rest of science becomes straightforward and the silly emphasise on scientific method, theories, testing, evidence and empiricism, so favoured by so-called "qualified scientists", becomes meaningless.

Why are there so many sects in Hippoism?

This is the old "if there is only one god, why are there so many religions and sects?" argument.

We have heard this so many times before that it is boring - grow up, get a life, read the books, follow The Pink Hippo - or face the consequences!

One way lies paradise, milk, honey and infinite supplies of young women - the other lies death, hellfire, damnation and the boiling lard - you had better make your choice now.

All logos, marks, ideas and material © 2007 Derbyshire Secularists and Humanists: www.secularderby.org
The Pink Hippo is a concept, religion and ideology developed and owned by Derbyshire Secularists and Humanists.
Applications for licences to use The Pink Hippo logo and other related material should be addressed to Derbyshire Secularists and Humanists.